just spend a little time with me

so,its fucking cold out! im waiting for summer already damn it. i usually like the winter to stay but for some reason i can't wait for it to heat up around here. i am sure i will regret saying this when that time comes.im just extremely bored right now. my life as of the moment is a huge mess. i am trying to pick up the pieces and get back on my feet. its sad to me that i even put myself in this position, but its too late and now i have to fix my problems. im trying, somehow, some way. no car or phone or anything right now. sometimes not having that cell phone is a good thing. even though my life is in shambles right now, i am trying to keep my head up and move forward. i can't be stuck in my past mistakes, they are only making me feel guilty and bringing me down..im trying. goodnight.

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: headautomatica

i feel so strange today. with in the last 4 months i have ben involved with someone, for the first time since i can remember. i finally feel these feelings i have missed and now, do i really want them? that feeling in the pit of my stomach, its so over bearing. cheesy, corny feelings all into play. im spread out, spread thin, waiting, gasping hoping for some future insight, none. cold hands, cold beds made for one..one one one...the raunchy smell of your apartment, i love it. the way you yelll at my driving, i love to hate it...why did you come here? to just throw my life out of whack...GOOD JOB BUDDY. you have opened my eyes to the possibility of feelings and kindness and caring...when i thought i might not be able to do it again or anymore. and here i am....this isnt just a game of grasp and let go...dont, i cant even say anything to "you" to express myself so i keep it balled in my stomach..always...but the truth is, i dont want a bed for one. i want to rub your head. i want to light your cigarettes, i want to make you dinner i want to kiss you goodnight, i want to get you beers and change the channel and tell you to shut the fuck up about me going to driving school...its all there and i am fighting with myself to trust you, and believe you. but it is really hard at this time considering that im not sure of what is going on with us...i just dont know....you consume most of my thoughts, of what i want , SO BAD. i know you can smell it....thats my weakness, you know what i am, YOU KNOW...i cant take it anymore...i want you, i do...I-WANT-YOU. its that simple. completely.. and i dont feel the need for you to lose yourself at all when you get there....there being me...i want you to be that even more, the stoops you are, the critic you are, the bastard i love to do the stupidest shit for...just feel this...understand...goodnight

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: jolie holland

wow, its been forever.
So, a thought popped into my mind yesterday at school...and that was the fact that i havent written in this thing in over a year...if not longer, im not sure. things are so different now...going to school, still working..dating. whatever. i cant really complain. i have alot of things i look forward to. i really dont even have much to say.......ive gone through alot in the time since i wrote last to now...too much to talk about, i dont regret a thing. ive watched people go down, unfortunately...rip john. and ive learned alot, alot.. although 19 has given me the worst birthday of my life, i cant say this year has been so bad...as of RIGHT NOW...i am content....i am in school for art, what i need to do with my life. im happy in the affection dept.(for now!) haha, and well yeah, im am going to find time to write in this more....

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: the kinison

i love these, does that make me 12?

x. I am: in school right now
x. I want: to get out of here and smoke a blunt
x. I have: barely any money
x. I wish: i could leave school right now.
x. I hate: the fact that beer makes you fat, fuck that.
x. I miss: slim, wish he could come through more.
x. I fear: regretting something in my life.
x. I hear: my teacher talk as i do this..haha
x. I search: for the meaning of life.
x. I wonder: when the world will have peace.
x. I regret: nothing..i do it all for a reason.
x. I love: laughing
x. I ache: in my brainnn
x. I always: feel shy.
x. I am not: a selfish person
x. I dance: the kinison
x. I sing: in the shower, everyday
x. I cry: sometimes, not really often, just a few cheeky tears.
x. I am not always: in a good mood
x. I write: in this about nothing important, but i should write more.
x. I win: not shit, i have crappy luck
x. I lose: at life, YEAH
x. I confuse: most people i know.
x. I should: go home and watch some scary movies.

x. Three things you are often complimented for: glasses, hair, but
x. You get embarrassed when: old or weird men hit on me.
x. What upsets you: stubborn idiots.
x. You keep a diary: i do.
x. You like to cook: very much
x. You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: i do...but...the key phrase is NOT SHARING WITH ANYONE
x. You set your watch a few minutes ahead: no, im on time with that, but still cant be anywhere on time
x. You bite your fingernails: used to now i got long nails, YEAH
x. You believe in love: of course...but i dont know if it does believe in me at this time in my life.
Who is...?

x. The prettiest person of the opposite sex you know: this guy that works at my school,austin is pretty to me,and stu is pretty,always will be
x. The weirdest person you know: kim
x. The loudest person you know: loudest...slim!
x. Your close friends: hahah got two good girl friends, lots of good dudes, i couldnt name all the great friends i have...RIP JOHNNY BOY.
x. The person that knows the most about you: rachel
x. Most boring teacher: painting teacher, i want to drool on his face,

What is?

x. Your most overused phrase on IM: hahaha
x. Last image/thought you go to sleep with: im falling asleep now...finally.
x. Your best feature: lips? wait ASS
x. Inside joke: fat guy in a little aprin.

Do You...?

x. Take a shower everyday: FOR THE MOST PART.
x. Have a (any) crush (es): yes
x. Think you've been in love:a while ago, puppy love.
x. Want to get married: yes, some day
x. Have any tattoos/where?: nopey
x. Piercing/where?: my belly button, how cliche,
x. Get along with your parents: of course.

WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF

x. Ryan: adams
x. Rob: my step dad
x. Stephanie: my brothers girlfriend
x. Heather: locklear
x. Aaron: brothers.
x. Amy: eclipse of the sun
x. Eve: and adam
x. Jon: athan taylor thomas
x. Alex: no idea?
x. Justin: gremlock
x. Ricky: ricky baby!
x. Jack: and jill

SCREEN NAMES: cuddlefishh
SIGN: GEMINI
NATURAL HAIR COLOR: auburn
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: light red and bloneish
EYE COLOR: brown

(FAVORITES)

NUMBER: 2
COLOR: red and grey
DAY: friday
MONTH: october, may
SONG: too many
FOOD: beef jerky, salad
SEASON: fall or spring
DRINK: diet soda.
VEGGIE: alalmost every single one

(PREFERENCES)

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT?: cuddle and makeout/kiss
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE?: neither, but id opt for the milk.
MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?: milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE?: vanilla

(IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU)

CRIED?: ah helll naw
HELPED SOMEONE?: yeah, at school
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: ummmm, a double shot starbucks

GONE TO THE MOVIES?: nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? nope
SAID, "I LOVE YOU??: fuck naw.
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER?: nope
TALKED TO AN EX?: wait, yes
MISSED AN EX?: yesssss, especially after seeing him
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: yep..presently.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yep, work.
MISSED SOMEONE?: yes, want to see him later
HUGGED SOMEONE?: slim
KISSED SOMEONE?: slim on the cheek
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?:no
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: nope

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: fiona apple

only capable of a bi-yearly update...or something
i never write in this...i think i feel a little exposed. on diaryland i can hide myself through just a random name...but on here its like, "ok, here's jenna!"...either way..life has been dull..nothing exciting. i have been working and hanging out.

my birthday is in 22 days..i will finally be 18. i feel like it's taken so long to get here. and now that its finally here i am kind of scared...not scared but intimidated by the age...but just growing in general. lately since work has been a congrigation of people who seem to be a little off, i have taken a lot more things into consideration. just what i really want out of life. not my seeking for some person to make me feel loved but to genuinally feel good in my skin. i am trying. i think reaching any age you are forced to question most of your existance. not to change it, but to realize and become who you truly can be...alright im getting cheesy.

after the birthday/ self realization days i will be going to NY again. this time to take advantage of the city and explore the limits. not just be a 8 year old girl going to the museum with my dad. im going to wander around. i am excited. im ready to take a trip on that is just slightly over whelming, but in the comfortable way. i like things like that..the unknown that is to come.

and after i depart, arrive and get settled for a couple days i will be going in to test my motor vehical skills. now, i feel confident in the fact that i think i will do good, but it is also something a little nerve wrecking...but i dont let that get to me. i am just waiting for all the personal freedom that comes along with having a car and driving. not always having to depend on someone to come and get me..i can just get up and go. i am looking forward to trips to the record store and book store alone. because i can just wander for hours and hours. not just that but also being able to spend time with some people who arent so easy to get to when you dont have a car...so i have somethings to look forward to...not some dull news about some heart giving, but not getting. i am just trying to focuse on me...

i am as well going to AZ next week end with my yin ang yang twins..yes, i will be the merch girl. i guess the weekend entails some smokage, drinkage, and me swindling 16-22 year old boys into buying "pro stree fighter" inspired dance music cd's and t-shirts...so go listen to RYU VS M.BISON..because then i will have started my sales career off good... so go!

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: atmosphere- sevens travels

yeah, so what, today is valentines day
i remeber last years valentines day, but i wish i could forget, so bad. there is such a huge part of me that just wishes he had never existed at all so i wouldnt have to still feel the on coming of a few tears when i think of him...i wish he just never existed because id be in the same place just probably not as lonely...but i cant let myself think about things like this. its true, i may not have anyone this year. to think about it, i really didnt have anyone last year either..it was more like the day after or something silly. either way..things obviously change. i just wish things were diffrent..but realize this is how they are. valentines day is just any other day..it just makes me think about things..and unfortunately they arent wonderful and lovey, its just the what if's and could have beens i seem to be dwelling on. then again that isnt just a valentines day thing. ive been like this for quite some time now.. i just wish i had a reason not to.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: yeah yeah yeah's- maps

i love these, does that make me 12?
x. I am: bored
x. I want: out with some cool people
x. I have: barely any money
x. I wish: i would love
x. I hate: almost everyone right now.
x. I miss: stu
x. I fear: dying
x. I hear: the clicking of keys
x. I search: for the meaning of life.
x. I wonder: when ill feel content
x. I regret: nothing.
x. I love: laughing
x. I ache: in my brainnn
x. I always: feel shy.
x. I am not: a selfish person
x. I dance: to morrissey
x. I sing: in the shower
x. I cry: today!
x. I am not always: in a good mood
x. I write: in this about nothing important
x. I win: nothing, i suck.
x. I lose: always
x. I confuse: most people i know.
x. I should: go to sleep.

x. Three things you are often complimented for: glasses,hair, butt.
x. You get embarrassed when: old men hit on me.
x. What upsets you: stubborn people.
x. You keep a diary: i do.
x. You like to cook: very much
x. You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: i do...but...the key phrase is NOT SHARING WITH ANYONE
x. You set your watch a few minutes ahead: no, hilary
x. You bite your fingernails: used to!
x. You believe in love: of course...but i dont know if it does believe in me!..dude, im emooo

Who is...?

x. The prettiest person of the opposite sex you know: umm, i think stu is so pretty..damian is attractive..i love orlando bloom.
x. The weirdest person you know: kim
x. The loudest person you know: loudest...slim!
x. Your close friends: fuck em...what do you need to know about them..
x. The person that knows the most about you: rachel
x. Most boring teacher: haha who cares?

What is?

x. Your most overused phrase on IM: hahaha
x. Last image/thought you go to sleep with: im falling asleep now...finally.
x. Your best feature: lips?
x. Inside joke: fat guy in a little aprin.

Do You...?

x. Take a shower everyday: haha, i should...almost.
x. Have a (any) crush (es): ehhhh
x. Think you've been in love: yes
x. Want to get married: yes
x. Have any tattoos/where?: nopey
x. Piercing/where?: naw, but i want my nostril
x. Get along with your parents: of course.

WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF

x. Ryan: adams
x. Rob: my step dad
x. Stephanie: my brothers girlfriend
x. Heather: locklear
x. Aaron: carter
x. Amy: eclipse of the sun
x. Eve: and adam
x. Jon: athan taylor thomas
x. Alex: no idea?
x. Justin: timberlake.
x. Ricky: ricky baby!
x. Jack: and jill

SCREEN NAMES: cuddlefishh
SIGN: GEMINI
NATURAL HAIR COLOR: AUBURN
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: blackie
EYE COLOR: brown

(FAVORITES)

NUMBER: 2
COLOR: red and grey
DAY: friday
MONTH: october, may
SONG: too many
FOOD: beef jerky, peanut butter
SEASON: fall or spring
DRINK: diet soda.
VEGGIE: all...i like brussel sprouts

(PREFERENCES)

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT?: cuddle and kiss.
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE?: neither, but id opt for the milk.
MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?: milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE?: vanilla

(IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU)

CRIED?: a tiny bit, but shouldnt have,
HELPED SOMEONE?: yeah, work.
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: umm, nope.

GONE TO THE MOVIES?: nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? nope
SAID, "I LOVE YOU??: fuck naw.
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER?: yes
TALKED TO AN EX?: hmm, yea
MISSED AN EX?: yesssss
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: yep..presently.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yep, work.
MISSED SOMEONE?: yes , of course.
HUGGED SOMEONE?: yes
KISSED SOMEONE?: my mom?
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?:no
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: yes, ew..they are stupid...haha ok, im 5 obviously.

i think i really only do these to prevent myself from being bored...im so glad my parents are going out of town this weekend and my friends want to leave me even though i have to work and have no one else to hang out with. i love how i try to help my friend find a job, buy him food and gas and yet he still thinks he should be a jerk to me. its like, i understand i may have an attitude problem sometimes, but still, people are so rude...and hurtful...and i really just dont want to care anymore. i dont care if my friends leave, im just going to sit at home and paint then..smoke joints and fucking cuddle with myself.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: morrissey- hairdresser on fire.

*********
i wish i had more to say in here. its like i check everyone elses but i really have no desire to write about anything going on in my life. thats because nothing exciting really happens.

i was susposed ot have today off. i was going to dye my hair and clean my room and vacuum...vacuum for the first time in like a literal year...well...ME vacuuming, not my mother. I wish i could say i had something cool going on, like i was taking a trip or going to a good show.

i got a raise though, a big whopping 25 cents. i really want to go to California. i would like to go there before derrick moves here and before josh and mendy move to victorville...i want to see josh...i think about him often. i think that the fact that i have horrible telephone skills is maybe giving him the false impression that i dont want to talk to him. but some people, like myself, dont like the phone. it takes like so much for me to be able to talk to someone on the phone and actually have a good conversation with them...oh well.

i want to go cd shopping...i need to make a list of cds i want...

fionna apple- when the pawn....
morrissey- viva hate
refused's newest release
beth gibbons solo cd
re-buy my radiohead kid a cd
catpower- what would the community think
coldplay- parachutes
elliot smiith- either or

now, i have most of these songs on my computer..and the list does go on, i just need time...but thats a start, somewhere.

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: time spent driving

ok, since all i like is stupid surveys...sorry im boring...thats krazy k.
what did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
flew on a plane alone, got a job, got my permit, graduated high school, went on a road trip with my friends.

did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont think i made one, if i did it was probably just to have a good year, and i kept that. i will make more, of course.

what places did you visit?
Hawaii, New York, California.

what date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory?
Valentines day.

what was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating, getting started on my driving, getting a job, saving money.

what was your biggest failure?
Not getting my liscence.

whose behavior merited celebration?
MINE! rachels, damians, hilarys. my friends rule.

whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
probably michael jackson..although he is the numba one freak.

where did most of your money go?
cd's, cigarettes, presents, food, clothes.

what did you get really, really, really excited about?
crushes, going to NY&Hawaii&California, Slim coming.

what song[s] will always remind you of 2003?
Rhett Miller- Nervous Heart, 50cent- in da club

what do you wish you'd done more of?
Lovin', traveling.

what do you wish you'd done less of?
Waste money, get in stupid petty fights, lose touch with some friends.

how will you be spending new years?
with my friends, the people i love.

did you fall in love in 2003?
im still trying to figure that one out....

what was the best book you read?
as pathetic as it is, i dont think i read a whole book this entire year...but dont tell. that should be my resolution, to read more.

what was your greatest musical discovery?
ryan adams, rhett miller

what did you do on your birthday?
Hung out with my friends, had a get together at my house, went swimming.

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A certain someone i know loving me.

what kept you sane?
friends, cigarettes, music...the usual.

which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i like orlando bloom...ok i love everyone from LORD OF THE RINGS.

what political issue stirred you the most?
war in iraq...fuck that shiot.

who did you miss?
HLC, i was missing Hilary but we reunited.SLIM BOOZLE.

who was the best new person you met?
Stu, SLIM, mark rich, derrick garcia, all the people i work with.

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003
hard work pays off.

quote a song lyric that sums up your year
"note to self to die for anyone, note to self to die. note to self dont change for anyone, dont change just lie." but shiot, i aint a liar...and if i were to think about that question more i think i could come up with more of those...alot more.

i really dont know what else to say. i had such a good year. i did so many things that really made me feel like i have finally grown up a little. i feel more responsible. i really wouldnt change almost anything except for some of the emotions that i wish were diffrent. i want to find love in my life, i want to be important to someone. i really feel like that is the only thing that is missing in my life. i want to be something, thats my goal for 2004, i want to make something of my self..long term. i want to travel and see the world. i want to be happier about who i am, i want to accept myself more. i had a good year, i really did. i learned about love and like and the real world. i learned about working hard and doing your best to be the best you can be for the time being...and i am happy. despite the way i may present myself sometimes i am a happy person. i have met some amazing people, some life long friends. i have shared myself with people whom i never thougt i would, and it felt ok. its sad that aging is inevitable, but yet, its a part of life i have to accept. i am getting older, weither or not i feel it, i am. it makes me so sad sometimes but if i stayed young forever i would never learn. i had a good year. thank you to everyone i met that played a part in my year, weither or not i met you this year or whatever..thank you.<3

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: morrissey- the more you ignore me, the closer i get.

i stole this from beth..thanks b-baby!
my perfect boyfriend.

PHYSICAL
hair color - i like dark, brown or black.
eyes - i like dark and deep. brown or hazel.
height - tall tall tall.
six pack - i dont like muscles, i like meat. not alot, but enough for me to cuddle.
long or short hair - i like short, just messy short hair.
piercings - i dont care but i dont dig eyebrows or weird freakish things. i like stretched ears on most people.
big butt or little - i like big butts, but it really matters not at all.
straight teeth, gap, or braces - i like straight or unique, but not jacked...and NOT YELLOW.
outgoing or shy - outgoing..shy is ok if it is just in public but a guy that has nothing to say or to break silence sucks.
sarcastic or sincere - both would be the perfect mixture.
should he have a best friend - of course.
should he have a lotta of girl friends - i dont care...friends are just friends.
should he love his mother - very very much..but not a lame mommas boy, or at least not a big faggot about it.
should he watch girl movies - of course.

WOULD HE...
be a smoker - i dont really care but i like it alot, although it is bad for your health, its comforting to smoke with someone.
drink - sure, whatever...i like to party.
swear - haha yes, of course...
kiss on the first date - if its right.
bring you flowers - yes, but only at the right time.
lay under the stars with you - of course...in the hot or cold.
write poetry about you - as long as they werent like staind lyrics.
call you honey, sweetie, or baby - any nick names are ok...anything is ok from the right person.
hang out with you and YOUR friends - yes yes yes!
walk you to the door at the end - sure, it doesnt matter, if i know he cares.
hold your hand - i love to hold hands...really i could do with out sex if someone held my hand...wait...maybe..haha
sing to you - that would be sweet at the right moment.

would(HIS)INTERESTS be:
soccer - sure.
baseball - i dont really care but if he was good at it i would support anything.
basketball - sure, i lke tall people/
football - thats kind of macho, but again, i dont care.
waterpolo - i would be like, "ok thats unique"
surf - yeah i think thats cool..but that would make him super tan possibly, i like whiter.
skateboard - i like the hessian dirty, but really clean look.
snowboard - yes..i always wanted to try, he could take me.
singing - i always fall for the singers...<3
play guitar - i love musical instruments.
play piano - how hot.
play drums - thats nice too, anything creative i love.
clean his room - i dont care as long as he wasnt disgusting.
paint, draw, sculpt - ohhhhh i would be so happy. we could have paint nights.ahaha
writes his own music - of course.

ok, too bad that was all just for the purpose of making me think about people i have on my mind that seem to fit with everyone of those things. but then again, here i am, alone. so if you read that anyone and think you fit, yo, im down. hahaha.

i am about to leave to go and hang out with damian. then i have to go to my x-mas party for work. that would be interesting...really.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: 97.5 yo yo yo yo yo

so many things.
so much has happened since i last wrote. i dont even know where to start. i went to NY on November 25- 30. it was a good time. it was nice to see my dad and the rest of the family. everyone is so strangely the same. its weird. but its comforting. although alot of things have been hard there for everyone, they seem to stick together, or try to. I feel bad for my aunt because my uncle is sick. he had to check himself into the hospital for depression but then they told him he had to stay for a month. he is really sick. they are trying to figure out if he has some other neurological disorder wrong with him. i see my aunt trying so hard to make sure he is ok plus take care of her kids and it hurts me that they dont have enough money or time for all of this. its so sad. it makes me feel so horrible. but there is a part of me that thinks everything will be ok, although i really dont know if thats true.

so, 3 days after i came back slim came here. when i was in NY i bought him a belt buckle with his name on it. i wanted to give it to him so bad. he was susposed to come to my house and eat with me and my family and then we were going to go to the show. but he got caught right behind a really horrible accident. so i went to the show with damian and rachel and he wasnt even there yet. so we waited and i went inside and turned around and there he was. it was so good to see him. it made my heart feel good to hug him. i really have missed him. so they got on late and played only a few songs, but they did sooo good. after that i told him i wanted to give him his present. so i got it out of my bag and handed it to him with his eyes closed. he opened them and couldnt believe it. he loved it. after that we drove around and tried to find a place to stay. we found a place and got our shit and then we drank a little and it was just a good night. it felt good to sleep in the same bed as someone and it just felt good to be around someone that i care about. i mean just because he is a good person and he is one of my good friends, and he always will be, and i love him for that.

so then the next morning after trying to wake him up forever we finally transported ourselves into the other room the boys were staying in, but then they kicked us out of the hotel and we had to ask damian if he could come and get us and bring us back to my house so we didnt have to wait around all day for the van to get fixed. yeah, it was having problems. so we came back to my house and of course slim went online. jay and josh ate cookies and watched T3. then rich and matt came and some drama went down. i ended up with their drummers drums and shit, along with 500$ at my house for him to come and pick up, because they had to leave and go to new mexico.

i had been waiting outside for like 2 hours when slim calls to tell me that they are up the street coming back to my house. so they all come back give the drummer their things, come back inside and eat all my food. haha but thats what i love them for. and then we hang out a bit and they are on their way.

it hurts me to have to say goodbye to them because i love them all so much. they are good people. but it hurts me to have to say good bye to slim. i dont know if he knows how much i care about him. for all the times he has been there for me and me for him and everything, i just wish we could be together. but i see how hard it is for all of them to have girlfriends and everything and i know i cant expect anything from him. but he have an unspoken bond, when he hugs me i know he doesnt want to have to say goodbye to me either, but sometimes thats what you have to do. and as much as i wish things were diffrent, they arent, and whatever. i dont know. i had a good time. theyll be back soon and that makes my heart feel good.

today is rachels birthday, happy birthday rachel. i love you. i havent even had time to buy her a cool present, so i dont know what to do. she is 18. i have to work so i cant even hang out until after work, damn. but i will see everyone later.

here is my like every 2 month entry. im ok, everythings boring and im lonely...really.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: ryan adams- love is hell pt.1

Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance.
last night i saw Modest Mouse. Me and Damian really had no plans to go at all, although i had been wanting to, and thinking about it for the past couple days. So when i call him after i get out of the dentist he tells me he wants to go. SOOO, we go. Carly and Kim and like every other person i have ever known in my life is there. Not only did Modest Mouse play amazingly, but the Shins were awesome too! Modest Mouse shouldve played more. I mean they have soo many songs it would be nearly impossible to hear all of the ones i wanted to. but i wish they wouldve played a little bit more.

i keep having dreams about a certain person who i ALWAYS dream about. I hate it, because they are so real and in them he acts so much like how he really really acts in real life that i feel like ive been with him all night when i wake up and it drives me absolutely insane. like i cant take it. I dont even know what im susposed to be doing about my love life right now. its so boring and not as if i need a boyfriend or something like that but i would just like to have someone i could stand to be around that doesnt bore me or drive me crazy, in the bad way.

I work too much, i think too much, i get fucking anxious too much. i dont know. i sound like a lot of fun huh? yeah right. I juat want to go to New York already and get away from everything here. not as if i should want or need to get away from the people or the things but everything is boring and i need a change. and if i had the time and situation i would move away RIGHT NOW. and there is so much of me that wants to just leave by myself and live alone in this huge city so i am left to meet people alone and make friends and do the things only I feel like doing when and where and how i want. but i guess alot of people feel that way, im sure.

i just want to go back home and feel the cold and air. i want to see diffrent color leaves and maybe snow. i really have forgotten what its all like.

Slim is coming here in less than a month. I go away and come home and he is here. I talked to him briefly the other night and like, i dont know, somethings happened and i dont want to write about it on here, thats for sure. OK, since im sure no one reads this all im going to go get ready, adios.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: 'For the Black Days'- MY MIX

but when will tomorrow be better than today?
i havent really written in a little while now. everything has been ok. i guess everytime i write in here now it starts off with me saying ive been working alot, which i have been. friday is halloween and everyone is going away except for me because i have to work. this is the first halloween in my life i havent really had plans to do something. like i guess i do now, but that was as of yesterday.

that was craig inviting me to some party that he told me they might have and they want to get strippers, i was like, right on. hahah. i thought i would go and see nick and stu and whoever else. but craig told me today that stu went to go on tour with the hoods for a while. and i was kind of upset i knew i wouldnt be able to see stu on halloween.

so i have this crush on this guy that works at walmart right across from my work. like i went to school with him when i was younger and i saw him one day and he got so adorable. and then he came to my work and i was like, alright, i have such a little innocent crush on him. so today me and rachel went to walmart on my break to go and hunt him down, we just wanted him to see me so maybe he would get the hint i wanted to talk to him you know? and we go there and i see his friend who he had came with to my work. and me and rachel didnt find him so we figured you cant find something when you are looking for it. so then i get back to work today after my break and he is in there eating, i was like, whooa. but, im so shy, and like so scared to talk to anyone. i dont know why, i never used to even slightly be like that. but i cant talk to anyone, i always want people to come to me.

maybe thats because i am like insanely insecure about myself and i would figure no one would want to talk to me anyway. its horrible, my self esteem kind of disappeared once i turned 17. kim told me she felt really awkward when she was 17, and i feel that way too. its like, you arent 16 anymore, but you arent 18 yet. its like this goop of life between the two ages. and all these things good are happening to me and helping me grow but im just so, blah. maybe its renewal next year? i need something new. i need a comfort because i feel really uncomfortable.

Current Music: The Rapture- open up your heart

alrightalrightalrightalrightalright
so everything has been mildly exciting for once in a long while. Thursday i proceeded to get "messed up" with damian and we decided to use these free passes i had for the New York New York rollercoaster. I was fucking scared! but it was fun. I couldnt even contain myself by the end of the evening so i came home and fucking laid in bed for a couple hours. And oddly enough in the middle of the night i woke up really fast and then my phone started my rining and it was none other than Michael. And he then started telling me, in the midst on the half slumber mind set, that he was coming to las vegas! yaya. i was excited. so we talked for a couple minutes and then he left!

in the morning he called me and told me him and brian were going to come to my house in like 2 hours. so i got out of bed and i got ready. and he called me from the road telling me he was almost at my house. and he and brian got there at like 11 and it was fun! besides the fact that brian lit an entire pack of matches on fire on accident and then threw them onto the chair in my backyard and then i had to blow them out. hahah it was fun. my mom liked them and we just bullshitted.

michael is cute in person. he has these amazing eyes. then i had to work later that night so they went to mess around downtown for a while. i lied to my boss and told him my cousin was having a baby so i had to leave early. well, she did have a baby, but she doesnt live here so it doesnt really matter to me much. but i got out of work at like 9 and i had rachel meet me at my house so they could come and get me. we all went out and found a place for them to stay for the night. we then drank a little and things got well, a little nutty. but it was fun none the less. and we drove home at like 3 and i said good bye to him. im glad he came. i really am. it was nice spending time with him. i like him, i mean, i just like how he is as a person...i know hell proll read this.

other than that it was weird like 2-3 weeks ago i had this dream i saw joe at this place i was at. joe it this guy hilary used to like when she went to CCSN. and they saw each other for a while but i never really talked to him so i thought it was weird i had dreamt of him. and on wednesday when i went to the Health dept. i saw him there. i thought it was odd. and i right away thought of the dream i had. it was weird. so we talked for a little and he ended up asking me for my number so we could hang out or something sometime soon. and he called me last night but michael was here so i couldnt hang out with him. i dont know, now i think i have this weird thing with him because i had that dream. it is a good thing though, like he is such a nice guy, from what i know of him. i dont know, i guess that makes hilary mad, but whatever.

everything else is alright. i dont know. i found out slim is coming and well, i honestly do NOT know what to think of that. it hurts my feeling so much that we arent friends anymore, but whatever. thats his call not mine and if thats how he wants to be, whatever, you know? i dont know, nothing else is new, this is all for now.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: the shins- girl inform me

and thats "whatevah" put that on the cheddah man.
i have to go to work today in 2 hours. i really dont want to go. Rachel wrote me this small letter telling me she read my journal and she thinks i wont be alone for much longer. which, in actuality makes me feel better about everything. the only thing i like is going to sleep so i can have good dreams. whatever they are about.

the other night i hung out with Craig and Beez. Stu was away. But walking into that house gave me a rush of all these feelings. and i felt so lame because i wanted to pick up his clothes and smell them, because i still miss him alot. I dont know what i expect to happen. i guess i can write about him and missing him, but it wont help me miss him anyless, or anymore. its just stayed the same since the day we said bye. or something. anyways i need to not be talking about this.

I am excited to go to NY. It is really the only thing i have to look forward to lately. i wish slim would hang out with me when i go there. i really wish i could see jesse....but he told me he wasnt sure if that was going to happen because he is going to be on tour. thats unfortunate. i just want to get away. and i have never been on a plane by myself...and i want to do that. i want to get away from everyone i am used to for a little. not because i dont love them but because everything has been the same for so fucking long, you know? i dont know.

i dont even know what i expect from life anymore. i dont know what i want to do. i dont even know who i want to be anymore. but, oh well..haha

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: eminem- love me

<3
Today was a long day. I went to work at 11:00 and i had to work until 5, which isnt so bad, but it is when they tell you you can leave at 4 and then you have to stay.

i am so lonely. like, really, completely. i just want someone to hang out with, and im not talking like "hang out". i want to meet someone and kiss them and hug them and love them..like, i dont know whats wrong with me. do i reak of like, unpleasent things? am i annoying? i dont know...i really dont. i guess everyone wants someone, no one likes being alone. but i havent even been interested in anyone since stu, and well, thats been a couple months. not to mention the fact that i am barely over him, which is sad and i hope he never reads this.

i saw my art up last night and it made me happy, although i felt kind of stupid because everyone elses was so good, but i dont look down on myself like that. i had fun last night going out with everyone and celebrating raes birthday. i think i am going to nap now though, my brother is hassling me. i bought my tickets to NY for thanksgiving. im happy about that.

and if anyone can help me host images, PLEASE HELP ME!!

good night for now.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: rhett miller

so long
So all in all the trip was a success. We ended up leaving at like 4:30 am and we got to Derricks house at like 11 or so. yes we make for ok time but it was a good drive because we saw the sun come up and all the stars at dawn. We all then proceeded to lay down for a couple hours before Hilary and myself started getting ready for Rhett Miller. Now it is like 5:45 and we are planning on eating and then going downtown to see the show and my mom calls me and tells me she has something to tell me. That infact the tickets say 18 and over. because not only did my tickets NOT come on time, and i was going to need to have to pick them up from will call, but they are 18 and over and i didnt know! i am NAIVE? huh? but i was like "i am going to go down there i dont care" i have a fake id i was prepared to use if it was a must, even though i wouldve gotten laughed at or something. so i was thinking up all these plans as we are driving down topwn and i decided i shouldnt get my ticket from will- call because then theyd have to see my id. and i am only 17. soooo.... i make nathan go and buy me a ticket. and we drive around and find the venue and then he goes and gets 2 tickets and as we both cross the street he hands them to us and we go inside. it was that simple. they just let us in.

so me and hilary step inside this venue, that isnt only amazing, but smells good too! we watch some band with an old front man and then rhett miller comes on. first off, not only is he gorgeous, but thats not what matters, he can fucking play a guitar like elvis! and he shakes his hips and strums the guitar unlike any-other ive ever seen! he is like dreamy, like "this isnt a real human". and he plays these songs and i just smile and gaze up and sing and feel so genuinally good and real and alive that i dont need anything else. it was soo good! i cant even express! really! so after he plays for an hour and 10 minutes, by himself, me and hilary leave. Yes, we dissed out on the last band, but whatever.

after that we all go to dennys and eat something. we then pick up Junya and go to Huntington beach. we sit there for like 2 hours just bullshitting and hanging out, it was fun. it makes me feel soo good inside to see Rachel with Derrick. Like watching them just gives me some sort of satisfaction with being alone and not being one of the 2 couples i went with. Like i am actually OK with it...just because i love them both soo much. But especially seeing Rachel because i have never seen her love someone. and i like derrick so much, because he takes care of rachel and that means so much to me.

so then we go home and me and Junya sleep in the basement and fall asleep to the fast and the furious. i wake up the next day at like 1230 and start getting ready. i wanted to see Michael but he was busy doing things, which was un fortunate. So me hilary and shane go to melrose and walk around. it is fucking cool down there. like, soo many clothing stores and shoe stores and record stores, everything! it rules... but we walked around and met up with derrick and rachel and we walked around and then we all went out to eat. i like going out to eat with my friends, like i feel soo good being able to do things alone with my friends..like going away, its so fun.

alright i have more to say but rachel is here to pick me up we are going to go out to eat for Rae's birthday and mineature golf some! haha funn. then my art is up at frankies rave so im going to go see that.

more later

Current Mood: high
Current Music: rocking horse winter-the whole cd because i felt old skool

YAY
I am in LA right now. we just got here and everyone is upstairs except for me and Nathan. we are the single ones. haha. Tonight i am going to see Rhett Miller. i am soo excited. we drove all the way here so we could see him yayayayayayaya!! tonight i am going to swoop up michael and hopefully hang out with him....i must sleep before the show, or else.

i like these
personal
name:Jenna Lynn DeMarco
dob: 5-30-86
location: las vegas
religion: none
occupation: i work at a pizza place!

appearance
hair: black
eyes: brown
height: 5 foot 3

style
clothing: everything i like comfortable plain clothes with a cute style
music: everything from indie to hip hop to gangsta rap to anything and everything
make up: eye liner, mascara eye shadow blush and gloss..but right now, nothing
bodyart: none as of right now

right now
wearing: a black hoodie zip up sweater, a barbie dance team shirt, turqouise shorts and no shoes.
listening to: something nathan has on, i dont know what
thinking of: going to see rhett miller tonight in LA
where are you: at derrick house in LA
who are you with: nathan is on the other computer next to me

last thing
bought: a soda
read: i dont know?
watched on tv: roseanne
said: "ill wake up on my own"

either/or
club or houseparty: houseparty
tea or coffee: definitely tea
achiever or slacker: slacker
beer or cider: cider
drinks or shots: shots
cats or dogs: cats
single or taken: taken
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens: gloves.
cassette or cd: cd
coke or pepsi:pepsi
hard or mild alcohol: both
matches or a lighter: lighter
rikki lake or oprah winfrey: oprah

who do you want to
kill: myself, haha kidding
get really wasted with: slim
look like: audrey tatou
be like: me
avoid: gettign fat
kiss: stu
be with: stu

last person you... and when
touched: rachel
talked to: hilary
hugged: uhh damian
instant messaged: tommy
kissed: slim
who broke your heart: stu
fought with: mmoms
you talked to on the phone: mom

where do you
eat: at home
dance: shows or, when i'm alone, in my room
cry: in the shower
wish you were: with stu seeing rhett miller together

have you ever
dated one of your best friends?: not really
loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: yes
drank alcohol?: yeah
done drugs?: yeah
broken the law?: yes
ran away from home?: not really
broken a bone?: nope
cheated on a test?: yeah
skinny dipped?: yes
played truth or dare?: yes
flashed someone?: yes
mooned Someone?: yes
kissed someone you didn't know?: yes
been on a talk show/game show?: nope
been in a fight?: partially
ridden in a fire truck?: no
been on a plane?: yes
come close to dying?: yes
cheated on your boy/girlfriend?: no
gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride?: yes
eaten a worm/mud pie?: no
swam in the ocean?: yes
had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up?: yes
wanted to die: yes
really kissed someone of the same sex: yes

relationships and mushy stuff
girlfriend/boyfriend: nope
when and who was your 1ast crush?: i dont know...
what do you first notice about the opposite sex: face, eyes, mouth, height
your idea of a perfect date: anything as long as i like the person
how romantic are you?: realistic romantic
my ideal guy/girl: asshole to eveyrone but nice to me. makes me laugh, good kisser, care taker
name a moment that you thought was really sweet: saturday
your first kiss: nick
do you have a crush: yes
how long was your longest relationship: about a year and a half

what is
the most embarrassing cd in your collection?:i've many
your bedroom like?: pretty big and cluttered
your favorite thing for breakfast?: fruit, bacon, eggs anything, i love breakfast
your favorite thing for lunch?: salad
your favorite thing for dinner?: salad
your favorite restaurant?: there are many

future
what day is it tomorrow?: friday
what are you going to do after this?: sleep
who are you going to talk to?: no one
where are you going to go?: im going to see rhett miller
how old will you be when you graduate?: i did
what do you wanna be?: a makeup artist
what is one of your dreams?: feel totally comfortable with myself

are you
a vegetarian?: i might as well be, but no
a good student: it depends on the subject
good at wake boarding/snow boarding:never tried
a good singer?: i wish
a good actor/actress?: dont think so
a deep sleeper?: yes
a good dancer?: nooo
shy?: just quite sometimes
outgoing?: yes
a good storyteller?: yes, i make things funny
last words?: online? "ok bye" and in real life "ill wake up by myself"

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: rhett miller- EVERYTINGGGGNGNGNGN

its been a whilee....
i havent even taken any time to up date this although some new and exciting things have happened to me recently.

i got a car...its a focus and its new and cute. but considering the fact that i just got my permit i can not drive it. yes, its sad...but cool, because soon i can drive it.

i have been working alot, as usual. but it is fun..i like it. sometimes it doesnt even feel like im working. its just nice to be around the people who work there and, its like a family. now i work with craig too, and i love him.

i am going to L.A. on thursday morning to see Rhett Miller..i am so excited...like honestly, completely over joyed. considering i never got to see him when he was here, its like, making up for it and making it like 1323 times better because we get to go to california to see him.

hilarys birthday is soon. i am excited for her to turn 18. i really miss her. i dont want thinks to be the way they have been lately. i mean, i know i could do things to make the situation diffrent...but i dont know what to do. i am still paranoid she doesnt like me at times, but i know i shouldnt even think that, because i love her.

i am lonely. i miss having someone. i havent even talked to anyone in like decades. i saw stu the other night and things have just been stupid. i dont know. i am just lonely. i am at the point where i have no confidence and i just DONT think i will find someone who makes me happy and likes me for me. i feel even stupid writing this. it seems like my livejournal is my exact thoughts..like i would be saying these exact words...but i dont like the way it feels and sounds when i read it back to myself. like if i were reading this and it werent mine i would think i was stupid, pathetic, attention craving. and i am not even slightly like that.

i dont know. i am going to Ny next month for the first time for thanksgiving in years. since i cant even remember. i am exciting to see my dad. i guess i have those things to look forward to.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Damien Rice- Volcaneos

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